You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The adults are the big ones right?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
