this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Naked Twister starts at high noon
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
