They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
