I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
