Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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