bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
