i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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