I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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