Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
