Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
