i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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