My sheets look like a crime scene.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
