a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
