I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Small penises have feelings too.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
