if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
