Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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