Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
