my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
