Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
