I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
