If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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