So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
