no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
