i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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