i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
