so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
