you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
