can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
