Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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