Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
