I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
