dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
