I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
