her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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