i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
