i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
