I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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