In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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