I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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