dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
