i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
