It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
