Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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