Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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