apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
