I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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