sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
