I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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