Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
