I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
