i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
